After digging around on the web, I’ve come to the conclusion that accountancy and finance is a well-respected profession as I can find fewer jokes to share than for consultants. But I promised you some a few days back and here’s the pick of what I found:
Q. What’s an extroverted accountant? A. One who looks at your shoes while he’s talking to you instead of his own.
Q. What’s an auditor? A. Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Q. How do you drive an accountant completely insane? A. Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
Q. How do you know when your CFO is becoming more tolerant? A. He lets Marketing present their entire budget before saying ‘No’
2. Why there are so many tired accountants
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.”
”Have you tried counting sheep?”
”That’s the problem – I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
3. How do accounts’ wives deal with insomnia?
If an accountant’s wife can’t get to sleep, what does she do?
Leans over to her husband and says “Tell me about work today, honey.”
4. Successful Succession Planning
An accountant spends a week at his new office with the accountant he is replacing. On the last day the departing accountant tells him that he has left two envelopes in the desk draw and that the envelope number 1 should be opened if he ever encounters any sort of crisis in the job and envelope number 2 if a further crisis occurs.
Three months down the track there is a major drama, all the accounts are wrong – the usual stuff – and the accountant feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and finds and opens the first envelope. The message inside says “blame me!” He does this and gets off the hook.
Three months later at his next crisis he opens the second envelope. The message inside says “Write two envelopes”.
5. Why accounts make good donors
The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient. “This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart.” The patient is pleased. He asks, “What were their jobs?” “One was a teacher and the other was an accountant.” “I’ll take the accountant’s heart,” says the patient. “I want one that hasn’t been used.”
6. Everyone loves their CFO
A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives “I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!”
Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.
The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, “You are amazing. I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you.” The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, “You can tell me who the hell pushed me in!”
7. The CFO and Training
CFO asks CEO: “What happens if we invest in developing our people and then they leave us?”
CEO: ‘What happens if we don’t, and they stay?
8. The Optimist; the Pessimist and the Accountant
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
9. The Accountant at the Natural History Museum
An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: “This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old”. “Where did you get this exact information?” “I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old.”
10. The One about the Light Bub
“How many cost accountants does it take to change a light bulb?”
“Hmmm … I’ll just do a few numbers and get back to you.
11. Accountants at the Cinema
How can you tell if the director of a movie was ever an accountant?
If an accountant directed the movie then the credits are always on the right.
12.Why accountants make good partners
Why can’t accountants ever break off a relationship?
Because they are always reconciling.
Someone must know some better than these…