Some jokes from around the web at the expense of readers who may be consultants. Don’t worry I’ll eventually get even with some jokes about accountants and analysts. Enjoy..
1 BEAR HUNTING
A Senior Partner in a large consulting firm and a more junior colleague decide to go on a weekend trip hunting bears. They arrive at their small log cabin set in a clearing deep in the forest. The Junior Consultant starts to prepare a simple meal for them in the kitchen and begins to set up the range of equipment he has brought along for the bear hunt.
The Partner drops his bags and immediately disappears out the front door of the cabin; he is gone for about an hour. Suddenly, the Partner comes running at full speed out of the trees, back across clearing and straight in through the front door of the cabin, with a huge grizzly bear just a few paces behind him.
As he disappears out the back door he yells over his shoulder at the Junior Consulant “OK, You skin this Beauty, I’ll go get us another!”
2 ARE YOU A HOOKER OR A CONSULTANT
Ask yourself these questions:
- You work very odd hours.
- You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
- You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.
- You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.
- You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price.
- You are not proud of what you do.
- Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
- It’s difficult to have a family.
- You have no job satisfaction.
- If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.
- You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
- People ask you, “What do you do?” and you can’t explain it.
- Your family hardly recognizes you at reunions (at least the reunions you attend.)
- Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you’re left hanging with only other “professionals.”
- Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
- Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.
- Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or BMWs.
- You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it’s not your problem.
- When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).
- You are rated on your “performance” in an excruciating annual assessment.
- Even though you get paid the big bucks, it’s the client who walks away smiling.
- The client always thinks your “cut” of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.
- When you deduct your “take” from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.
- Every day you wake up and tell yourself, “I’m not going to be doing this stuff the rest of my life.”
3 THE CONSULTANT AND THE SHEPHERD
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd,
“If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”
The shepherd looked at the man, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, “Sure.”
The young man parked his car, whipped out his SmartPhone then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says,
“You have exactly 1586 sheep”.
“That is correct; take one of the sheep” said the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says: “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?”
“OK, why not” answered the young man.
“Clearly, you are a consultant” said the shepherd.
“That’s correct” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required” answers the shepherd. “You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew to a question I never asked, and you don’t know crap about my business…. Now give me back my dog”.
4 HOW MANY CONSULTANTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
- It depends – “How large is your budget?”
- We don’t know. They never seem to get past the feasibility study
- 3 – one to change the bulb, one to document the process and one to coach him on how to conform to the process
- 4 – one to change the bulb and three to contemplate how Tom Peters would have done it
- 5 – one to change the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it
5 MONKEY BUSINESS
A man walks into a pet store looking to buy a monkey. The proprietor takes him to the back of the store and shows him three identical looking, well cared for and content monkeys each housed in spacious, animal friendly environments.
“This one costs $600,” says the owner.
“Why so much?” asks the customer.
“Because it can sing and play the banjo” answers the owner.
The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, “That one costs $1,200, because it can talk, translate 20 languages and mix cocktails.”
The man is astonished and asks about the third monkey. “That one costs $4,000,” answers the proprietor.
“4,000 dollars!” exclaims the man. “What can that one do?” To which the owner replies, “To be frank, I’ve never seen it do anything, but it calls itself a consultant.”
6 TEN THINGS YOU’LL NEVER HEAR FROM YOUR CONSULTANT
- You’re right; we’re billing way too much for this.
- Bet you I can go a week without saying “synergy” or “value-added”.
- How about paying us based on the success of the project?
- This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
- Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
- I don’t know enough to speak intelligently about that.
- Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
- I can’t take the credit. It all came from Eddie in your accounts department.
- The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
- Everything looks okay to me. You really don’t need me.
7 HOW TO TELL IF CONSULTING HAS RUINED YOUR LIFE
- You ask the waiter what the restaurant’s core competencies are.
- You decide to reorganize your family into a “team-based organization.”
- You believe you never have any problems in your life, just “issues” and “improvement opportunities.”
- You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as “highly leveraged” as opposed to “in debt.”
- You can explain the difference between “down-sizing,” “right-sizing,” and “firing people” – and you actually believe your explanation.
- You can spell “paradigm” and you actually know what it means.
No offence to anyone in what I know from past experience is a very demanding and stressful career. But where would we be without our sense of humour? Answer; Germany!
Please share any that you know and love..